Stab the Knife Through My Heart (5/10/2011)

He did the unspeakable. Then you came into my life and swept me off my feet. I believed in you and I loved you with everything I had. In fact, I gave you every single piece of me that I could. We got forced apart but I still wanted to be with you, I needed you. But as soon as I wasn’t at your beck and call anymore for your pleasures, you flushed it all away with no explanation and no desire to turn back. You got your pleasure somewhere else, but no matter who you go to, they will never love you like I did. They will never treat you or care for you like I did and was willing to for the rest of my life. And the saddest part of all? I still love you and forgive you. Even with all of the physical and emotional pain that I am put through every single day because you hurt me. I would drop everything to be with you, to be there at your beck and call at any moment of any day, despite how bad you have treated me. And why is that? Because I fucking love you Josh. I felt on top of the world when I was with you. You gave me hope and faith and pure happiness. I felt protected and loved, which is all I ever want out of life, and you gave that to me! You helped me heal from my past and now I need to be healed from the past that you have inflicted on me. But just like last time when I gave you a similar speech, Your going to walk away. Walk away like nothing happened and leave me here bleeding on the floor. Helpless, hurt, and goddamned broken.

What happens when I stay up late (3/15/2011)

I have time to think about everything thats going on. I have time to doubt and relive and go back and wish and cry and get mad and anything under the sun that could be described as an emotional action. God, what have I done? I’ve betrayed you and my parents…But I will never tell them or anyone else on this planet. You have my word, you have my pride, you have my emotions, you have my life. You could spill it all at any second, you could give me away, you have the power to destroy me, you could even make me self-destruct. Yet I’m still here with my secret. I don’t even believe it myself, which is probably the worst. But I will never let it out, not for a long time. Even the person it involves will never know! How is that even possible? Because I manipulate him to the bone to believe it didn’t happen. I know what your thinking. Your saying “Wow, what a selfish bitch”. Well shit, at least I admit it. I hate what I have become, but once you start, you can never stop…….

Today's makeup was very simple clean look. I wore a white longsleeved shirt, black vest, denim jeans, tall black boot, and a white scarf :) A cozy, wintery style for the season!

Products I'm Wearing:

Jane Iredale Dream Tint Moisturizer

Maybelline Dream Mousse Concealer

Jane Iredale Pure Pressed Powder

Bare Minerals Blush in Glee

Clinique Super Fine Line for Brows in Soft Brown

Urban Decay Primer Potion

Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Naked

Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Sin

CoverGirl Line Exact Liquid Liner in Black

Benefit Bad Gal Lash in Black

Lancome Lipstick in All Done Up

Have a wonderful day!

Rubenesque Eye

This was today's makeup that I decided to wear. It is similar to the "As Easy As Rubenesque" video on YouTube but it has a slightly different eyeliner.

Products I'm wearing:

Jane Iredale Dream Tint Moisturizer

Jane Iredale Pure Pressed Powder in Bisque

Bare Minerals Blush in Glee

Benefit Bronzer in Hoola

Clinique Up-Lighting Highlighter

Clinique Super Fine Line for Brows in Soft Brown

Urban Decay Primer Potion

Mac Paint Pot in Rubenesque

Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliner in Zero

Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Oil Slick

Benefit BadGal Lash in Black

EOS Lipbalm

My Favorite Season

It's...................
F
A
L
L
!
I'm so happy :)

No one is Flawless

I don't think I've been this upset in a long time, I've been completely betrayed. Twice this month. By the same person. It hurts and I'm just kinda letting it happen without any consequences.

Wow...ha I guess this writing stuff down works because I need to take action and make consequences so it won't happen again. No one is allowed to walk all over me and be hypocritic and have double standards when it comes to me.

Gay...now I gotta think of some stuff to do so that it doesnt happen again. Humph.

So it's true: Being without Being is blue.

On the coast of somewhere beautiful. It sounds nice, if we dismiss the oil crisis. But still, it's somewhere I'd like to be. This thought makes me think of honeymoons, my honeymoon to be exact. Which makes me think of my wedding. May it be weird but I think about that alot, not because I exactly know who or when or anything like that, it just happens that things keep happening to make me think about it. I imagine alot of nature influences like flowers, grass, moss, trees. Though I can't exactly say I want it to be outside. But if it is, it would be in the spring and I wouldnt wear shoes. I would sink my feet into the cool, soft grass....

I can't wait till I get to go on my road trip! I don't know exactly where I'm going but I know it will include museums about Oklahoma's rich Native American history and it will be where the Indians roamed and hunted and lived a life of freedom, harmony, no guilt, and when everything that was taken was givin back and resourses were treasured and people's lives and traditions were valued...

Next year I am taking Native American history for a semester, I don't think I've ever been this excited to take a class that is belittled by so many students. Oh well, at least it will be one more thing I love :) Time to record stuff, enjoy.