Stab the Knife Through My Heart (5/10/2011)

He did the unspeakable. Then you came into my life and swept me off my feet. I believed in you and I loved you with everything I had. In fact, I gave you every single piece of me that I could. We got forced apart but I still wanted to be with you, I needed you. But as soon as I wasn’t at your beck and call anymore for your pleasures, you flushed it all away with no explanation and no desire to turn back. You got your pleasure somewhere else, but no matter who you go to, they will never love you like I did. They will never treat you or care for you like I did and was willing to for the rest of my life. And the saddest part of all? I still love you and forgive you. Even with all of the physical and emotional pain that I am put through every single day because you hurt me. I would drop everything to be with you, to be there at your beck and call at any moment of any day, despite how bad you have treated me. And why is that? Because I fucking love you Josh. I felt on top of the world when I was with you. You gave me hope and faith and pure happiness. I felt protected and loved, which is all I ever want out of life, and you gave that to me! You helped me heal from my past and now I need to be healed from the past that you have inflicted on me. But just like last time when I gave you a similar speech, Your going to walk away. Walk away like nothing happened and leave me here bleeding on the floor. Helpless, hurt, and goddamned broken.

What happens when I stay up late (3/15/2011)

I have time to think about everything thats going on. I have time to doubt and relive and go back and wish and cry and get mad and anything under the sun that could be described as an emotional action. God, what have I done? I’ve betrayed you and my parents…But I will never tell them or anyone else on this planet. You have my word, you have my pride, you have my emotions, you have my life. You could spill it all at any second, you could give me away, you have the power to destroy me, you could even make me self-destruct. Yet I’m still here with my secret. I don’t even believe it myself, which is probably the worst. But I will never let it out, not for a long time. Even the person it involves will never know! How is that even possible? Because I manipulate him to the bone to believe it didn’t happen. I know what your thinking. Your saying “Wow, what a selfish bitch”. Well shit, at least I admit it. I hate what I have become, but once you start, you can never stop…….